It's not you, it's.... my brain! How ADHD affects your relationships.

By someone who supports couples and individuals and has definitely lost track mid conversation!

Let’s set the scene. One person is venting about their day. The other..... zoning out mid-story, suddenly remembering they left the oven on, then interrupting with, “Did we feed the cat?” Welcome to ADHD in relationships, it’s chaotic, colourful, often infuriating, and yes, 100% real.

So what is ADHD, exactly?

The DSM-5 ( The Diagnostic and Statistical manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition) states that "criteria include specific symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, and these symptoms must be present in multiple settings and cause significant impairment in daily life."

If you are reading this article then you either have or suspect you have ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) and no "criteria" can ever really explain the impact it has on your daily life.

It isn’t just about being easily distracted or super hyper. It’s a neurodevelopmental condition that affects executive function: aka the brain’s CEO in charge of planning, organising, regulating emotions, and basically keeping life from turning into a hot mess.

Now imagine trying to build a relationship on that foundation. Yep. It can get tricky.

The Classic ADHD Relationship Scenarios

Some of these might sound familiar.....

1. “You’re always late.”

The ADHD partner swears they "left on time." The non-ADHD partner swears they’ve been waiting since the dinosaurs roamed. Time blindness is real.

2. “You don’t listen.”

The ADHD brain is trying to listen. It really is. But halfway through your story, it may have wandered off on a mental safari and is currently trying to remember if raccoons have thumbs.

3. “I feel like I’m doing everything.”

Chores, bills, social planning; yep, executive dysfunction can leave one partner carrying more of the mental load. And resentment? It starts piling up.

When ADHD Goes Untreated.....

Here’s the thing: undiagnosed or unmanaged ADHD can quietly wreak havoc on a relationship. It’s not always obvious at first. But over time, the small stuff; missed dates, forgotten birthdays, impulsive spending, emotional outbursts can feel like relationship death by a thousand paper cuts.

And the partner without ADHD? They might start feeling more like a parent than a partner. Not sexy.

But there’s good news.....

ADHD isn’t a relationship death sentence. In fact, once it’s understood and managed, many couples thrive...yes, thrive with ADHD in the mix. Why? Because ADHD brains can also bring spontaneity, creativity, hyper-focus (hello, love bombing!), and a kind of passion that’s hard to fake.

Teamwork makes the dream work...

If you’re in a relationship where ADHD is part of the dynamic, here’s what helps:

• Educate yourselves. Seriously, read the books, listen to the podcasts, follow the therapists on TikTok. I can recommend the Counselling Couch! ( Disclosure: that's me!)

• Get diagnosed (if needed). See my other blog on whether it is worth getting diagnosed but knowledge = power.

• Create systems. Shared calendars, timers, post-it notes galore. Structure is your friend.

• Communicate openly. “I’m not ignoring you, my brain just derailed” is better than silence.

• Get support. Couples therapy (especially with someone who gets ADHD) can be a game-changer.

  
  

  

  Post it notes with reminders to do things and positive messages.

  
  

Final thoughts from the counselling couch

Being in a relationship where one or both partners have ADHD isn’t a dealbreaker, it’s just a different rulebook. It takes patience, humour, a bit of flexibility, and sometimes, a shared Google Calendar you treat like a sacred artifact.

But with understanding and effort, it’s so possible to build a loving, functional, even wildly fun relationship. Just maybe check the oven is switched off before you cuddle on the couch, yeah?

Kate Haskell MNCPS (Acc)

Counsellor

Supporting all aspects of mental for couples and individuals.